………

Tears are silver and lies are gold
when the hand in mine is yours I hold.
Roaring thunder a mumble, a gentle hiss, when the lips in your face are mine to kiss. And who’s heart but yours when it beats for mine own turns blatant disrespect to icecream cones?

Hmmm…I lost where I was going with that…I’m a bit altered. I’ll attempt this later.

Happiness and the “five W’s.”

For as long as I can remember, I have been prone to depression. I can’t tell you how it started, I just know that it’s so. For the three Americans out there who have little to no knowledge on the subject-God bless you-just know that it is quite burdensome and stresses relationships of all kinds. Anyone who knows me sees the paradox involved. I am an actress(actors tend to be prone to depression, as well as personality disorders), so it’s my job to study “the human condition.” This includes why we do what we do, and what makes people “tick.” Now, with this being said, the paradox comes in because I am FULLY AWARE of what depression is and even when it starts to rear it’s ugly head. I know I have to DECIDE to be depressed and so forth. Throw in the fact that I have the fear of GOD and it becomes plain silly that I constantly fight depression.

I have always been told-first by mother who was extremely insightful, though I doubt she ever knew just how insightful she truly was, and now by my girlfriend(who at times sounds eerily like my wonderfully insightful mother), that if I can’t happiness poor or at a shitty job or sick, I would never be able to find it rich, in top health, with a Tony, an Oscar, a Porche or-imagine this-even owning a closet full of Manolo Blahniks.

Now, I’m a smart girl and logically, I know that is true. I could even talk myself or anyone else through the concept. However, I often find myself becoming heavy with depression. So, as I sat in a rehearsal filled with some of the most talented people in the Tampa Bay area, at an equity theater where I begin my candidacy for the Actor’s Equity Association, I wondered how the hell I was beginning a new depression cycle. I was appalled! I had just left a job “swiping” college students into a resident dining hall! So this made me terribly sad, I mean, I went spiraling in a matter of minutes. I had to hide my face from my co-workers so they wouldn’t know I was balling like a baby while they were busting their asses dancing The Rich Man’s Frug. I needed an out. I needed to run, or scream or sing Tegan and Sara at the top of my lungs or write an amazing song right then and there… I wrote in my journal. It was all I had and it hardly made a difference except for the fact that I could physically look at my thoughts. I (theoretically) just got my dream job and I’m not FUCKING happy! Oh my God! What am I to think when I’ve been so miserable waiting to get HERE! This, my friends is a complete mind fuck, because this is the moment that the thing I knew logically is learned spiritually. I started to hear my mother’s voice, just like they always say you do as you get older. She was so real. She would say: you need to learn how to make yourself happy, ‘cause I can tell you now, Broadway won’t make you happy in five years if you can’t figure it out today. Damn. So, and I must give myself credit for this, I dried my tears and set subjective Ayana aside for objective Ayana. How do I fix this? Crying IS NOT helping. So I thought about how I’ve been using music(mainly my favorite Canadian Pop/Rock Duo)to make me feel happy and I thought about putting in my ear buds. I paused for another thought: is this a “quick fix” for happiness, or am I truly on the road to happiness because I’m creating the feeling for myself? Oh My God, again. So then I thought about The Secret and what it said about starting to be happy by doing things that bring you joy and I relaxed but then thought again: well, when I remove my ear buds, will I want to cry again? This is where I started to crumble. I don’t know the answer. Is happiness something that we fight for? Is feeling happy happiness? Is something wrong with me because I have to consciously work towards happiness? If God wants us to be happy, shouldn’t we just wake up that way? What’s going on? I don’t know. I’m falling apart while writing this. I know this is wordy but I’ll just say that I got so tired of thinking in circles that I just decided to decide to be happy. That’s the easiest conclusion. I mean, why the hell not? I can’t help but feel like I still may be missing something at times but deciding I was always happy has been the best thing I’ve ever done for my happiness.