ROOOOOOAAAAARRRR! I mean, *sniffle*

Women hate each other. That’s just the way it is.  Why? I don’t know…I sure didn’t learn to hate women from my mother.  She was my favorite woman.

Where in our DNA is the hater gene? Why must we revel in being thinner, or wearing more expensive clothing or hitting higher notes? Why can’t we form a united front so that this country, this world, can learn that WOMAN is a force to be reckoned with?! My very first best friends were boys. There are many reasons this might be: shortage of girls, the fact that I was a flirt at, well, birth, I’ve always been a tomboy in disguise, etc. All I know is that, though the word wasn’t made popular until this decade, I understood the concept of a “frienemy” a long time ago. Too long ago. I decided a few years back that I was no longer allowed to be one of the woman who go around saying things like: “I don’t do females,”  or calling another woman out of her name because she’s assertive, or drove me crazy, meanwhile, fighting and screaming at the men who do the same<humans learn from observation, psychology 101>. I saw that this was a real problem and it started to make me sick to my stomach when I saw that sisterhood was something that was defined only by blood. I prayed about it. This may sound dorky, but I prayed: God please open me to learn more about women and learn to love all that is woman. Let me be accepting and sisterly, loving and warm. Show me what it means to be a woman. Now, though this is off topic, and arguably ironic, I must point out that I now have a girlfriend. It’s kinda funny, come on…

Anyhow, I started to listen to women talk and watch women walk and I dropped my hater-guard and attitude and I began to realize how beautiful we are! We are amazing, powerful creatures! Now, in my growing and learning, I may have become a bit elitist but you’ve gotta think about CHILDBIRTH, and  dancers-yes, men make great dancers but they don’t look like we do dancing!-and mothers in general, and the nuturing that only we can provide.

I am SO PROUD  to be a woman and tonight-or this morning-while looking through my “facebook” friends I had this warm, apple pie kinda feeling and I felt so grateful for the beautiful, inspiring, warm, loving, intelligent, talented women I have gotten to know. You will ALWAYS have a place in my heart and just know, I’m ALWAYS thinking: I wish she was like RUBY EDWARDS, mysterious while open, cool as water but hot like fire, or LAURA FIELD would never leave a girl hangin’ like that! Where’s your heart?!  Step it up! Be a true friend! I have thoughts like: God, she’d be so much more pleasant if she had a tenth of JAN-EMBER HART’S charm and grace. I’m always wishing that one day, I’ll be at starbucks and I’ll hear a giggle and it’ll be someone who reminds me of RACHEL ANDERSON(the most fun and scariest part of me) or LATASHA MONFORD(my heart that’s reserved for family only, my loyalty) and I’ll end up talking to her like I’ve known her since I was a child, and I won’t be able to stop because the exchange is intoxicating!

I love you, AMANI WRIGHT(you are my strength, my home), ESTHER PATTON(you are my fearlessness), MORAYO ORIJA(you are the funniest part of me), ASHLEY ELLENBURG(you are my groundedness, my spritualily), RATASHA HUFF(you are my rawness, the me behind the scenes), MICHELLE NGUYEN-I mean, DULIN; )(you are the purest, most youthful part of me), KAALA SMITH(you represent what keeps me out here dreaming and fulfilling what I’ve wanted since I was a kid), TIFFANEY MOORE(my inner peace and acceptance)!

God put you all in my life to teach me that I was beautiful partly BECAUSE I am a woman. I will never be able to explain what my heart feels like at this moment or how high my blood pressure just shot up thinking about your love and pure brilliance.

Thank you for sharing. Thank you for caring and teaching and loving and being your beautiful selves. This is my bow to you.

Advertisements

Love Letter to my Sister/Response to her last blog(amanivernell.wordpress.com)

Dear Amani,

You know me and you know whenever you want to pack and go, I’m there. You’re my very best friend and my true other half and I would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE to travel and perform with you. Remember when I told you that secretly, I wished that you’d leave school and be with me all the time? It’s still true. I think it’s great that you’re in school and are learning so much, but I wish that we could be together everyday. I know we’ll get annoyed with each other at times but I’ll probably still wanna be around you-even rolling my eyes. I only feel honestly like myself around you and while I know this is something I need to work on, it’s still so. I need you because you’re all the good stuff inside of me that I don’t remember I have until you’re around. You’re my strength, my courage, my heritage and my core. I guess this is why I never felt like I needed a romantic relationship. You remind me of how close our family is, even though sometimes it seems we’re emotionally, miles apart. We really aren’t. Because of you, I know what a real friend looks like. Thank you for being you. I love you.

Sincerely,

Ayana.

Not-so Sweet Charity

Today was an odd people day for me. I think about people a lot. I think about how we’re the same but pretend or don’t realize that this is so. Anyhow, I got a ride to work from a co-worker who I don’t talk to incredibly often but am cool with, for the most part. My main issue I have involving him is that he’s one of those people who is so gentle and sensitive at heart but who hide their hearts with snide comments and rude behavior. It’s weird for me too, because this is always so obvious to me and I find myself fighting the urge to reward their behavior, therefore, validating this facade. So, as we’re riding, some of these snide comments are made. There were a few about our co-workers(just know that situations where someone’s talking smack someone else we both know always make me VERY nervous. Perhaps it’s because of times as a kid where I’d be the only one who got in trouble for talking about someone, even though many others were joining in on the “fun.”) and there was even one shot at me and a close friend of mine. It was mild and I know about the get them before they get you game, so I let it slide. I ended up being able to rely on the gods of watching-your-mouth again(thank you). I had to take it for what or was. I did. He was repeating the phrase: “I just don’t like people…“ Of course, to convince himself of this. I never understand how people don’t hear themselves SCREAMING. The thing is, it’s very hard being wise, because you have more expected of you-mostly from yourself. Wisdom is something I prayed for for quite some time and frankly, sometimes I wish I could pull my “ignorance is bliss” card and just fire away.

Moving along to weird people scenario two, I have another co-worker with whom I do not get along. You know how in tv shows and in movies there’s this evil(for a lack of a better word) character who lies, steals, cheats, etc. and he/she is so good at pretending that everyone is blinded by his/her charm? And you know how there’s always that ONE character that sees right through the evil character(we’ll call this character the “real” character) and when he/she tries to tell the people who are being fooled by the evil character who he/she really is, no one believes it and that person gets ostracized? Well, just know that I’m the “real” character and this chick is the evil one. Only, I’m not dumb enough to try and warn the others because I know that people see what they want to, and who am I to take that away from anyone?? Anywho, I think we’re both over the initial shock of us not liking each other(I guess on my side, I’m thinking: I’m so cool and open with people, how could she have a problem with me, and on her side it’s: who is she and why is she neither intimidated by me or up my ass because I was on the Drowsy Chaperone National Tour for TWO YEARS! LOL!), which makes things a little more chill but there’s still this awkwardness between us and sometimes it’s funny, while other times it’s just aggravating. I guess if it’s that serious, I could just be “real” and get to the root of the problem, but something tells me it’d be a waste of time because she’d rather crawl on her knees through glass than be honest with me. Blah,blah,blah…
Where I wanted to get with this is, it’s weird how people interact when there is hidden truth and fear. I have to laugh at myself because I know better. We would rather sit together in an awkward silence, three feet from each other than look each other in the eye and be honest about our fears, insecurities, and our honest selves, however imperfect.

And we’re actors.

An actor’s job is to reveal truth about humanity and about our world through imitating life.

We can’t even learn to do our job better from each other(and we both have so much to give) because we aren’t doing what our training and our work has taught us. Which is to GIVE, stay OPEN(to receive) and to never leave your partner hangin’. Wow…