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To-day was a good day…

It started with my beloved morning pages…at six a.m. I had to get up early for my first day at Hope Lodge(also because I left my flippin’ bicycle at Busch Gardens).  Hope Lodge is a place affiliated with the American Cancer Society, that houses cancer patients while they are being treated(chemotherapy and radiation) at the Moffitt Center. The Hope Lodge is completely free and accepts anyone who fits the description as long as there’s an empty room.  I am a volunteer receptionist. While I’ve always known I was capable of holding a job of this nature, I’ve never actually held one.  The day began as one would expect: rules and procedures, lots of “Ooh! When this happens’…”   I was keeping up very well for someone who rarely sleeps anymore and for someone looking at my boss.  She’s like, drop dead, pinch-me-to-see-if-I’m-dreaming, I-can’t-bear-to-look-you-in-the-eyes beautiful(for those who are tuned off by my celebration of outer beauty, just know she’s just as beautiful on the inside and I bow to her warm and humble spirit).  I was on my own pretty quickly and went with the flow. Great day.  I won’t bore you with a play-by-play but I do have one story:  A lady called Hope Lodge and she seemed to be sick or something.  After I greeted her, she said: I heard I can get a free wig there?” This is true. The resource center provides patients with one free wig a year, a hat and a scarf. Amazing.  I said: “yes, ma’am, that’s true.”  She asked if I knew the precedure.  I was pretty sure I did but asked Lillybeth(my boss), just in case. I got back on the phone to tell her that all she had to do was arrive.  She went on to tell me that the past few days had been rough for her.  As I listened more, I realized that she was crying!  She said “that will work. I’m going over to Moffitt(or some place in Moffit) and they said they’d shave my head for free…”  I had a flashback of my mother’s shaven head.  She said “it’s just keeps getting worse.”  I wanted to pray with her, or tell her everything would be ok…………

This is what I was writing tuesday afternoon.  My day took a sudden turn, then everything else did.  It’s been an off two days.  Off and on goodness and not-so-goodness.  I don’t know. Just living, I guess.  Basically, I was really touched by that phone call and when I hung up, I cried.  I read some poetry to the great Philosopher Stone and talked for a few hours. I was so excited that I didn’t even care about getting caught in a storm. Blah, blah, blah. Sings: everything’s changin….Up and down.  I’ve been writing a lot and that’s really exciting.  Might have an artist community.  We’ll see…

Sent Dari www.youtube.com/applesandmustard a happy birthday/feel better message and video and got my Juniper job back.  Something else happened that touched me…hmm…what the heck was it?  Umm…I’ll think of it later-hopefully.  Been hearing Mommy like CRAZY!  Don’t know how long I’ll be ok working for the American Cancer Society but I wanna give back. OH!  Check out this like from one of my current work in progress:  “Fear is our nuevo lost juevos and stolen halos.”  It’s my fave.  Babbling, I am.  I should be sleeping.  Maybe I’ll try(and maybe I’ll remember what touched me yesterday…).

A work in progress-Loving is scary

Loving is scary because when you’re loving, you’re open, and when you’re open, you can be caught off-guard and when you get caught off-guard…I don’t know, you might have to be in the moment, or have faith in yourself, or something…
Loving is scary because if you’re doing it and someone’s doing in back to you, it might mean you’re worthy of being loved, and if you’re worthy of being loved, then you might have to start loving yourself, and if you start loving yourself, you might have to go out for that promotion you’ve been secretely earning for five years…or start exercising…or stop smoking.
Loving is scary because it may make you feel good, and if you start feeling good, you might want to make others feel good, and if you want to make others to feel good, you might want to share this love, and if you share this love, you may get rejected by someone who’s frightened by this, and if you get rejected by someone who’s frightened, you might have to decide to lead by example, and if you decide to lead by example, well, you may be standing on your own for a while, and standing on your own is scary too, but that’s another story…

Loving is scary because it might make you take responsibility for your actions, and if you have to do that, than you might have to think before you act, and if you do that, then, you might have to admit that, all along, you knew your father’s baggage-heavy taunts about being selfish and inconsiderate were just: BAGGAGE-HEAVY, GUILT-RIDDEN taunts about his selfishness and If you have to admit that, then you no longer have to harbor anger about what a horrible human being you are, and if you no longer have to do that, then you don’t have to listen to your father say it anymore, and if you don’t have to listen to him say it anymore, then how will you fill those awkward bits of silence between the two of you, and the new silence in your head?

Loving is scary because it’s the first step to our own divinity. Knowing you’re divine is HORRIFYING. It’s horrifying because…